First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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