I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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