Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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