oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
