grandma shit on top of the toilet
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I supernannyed him into submission
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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