Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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