I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
