i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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