in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
