there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
