what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
