I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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