Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
