I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
