I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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