he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
