this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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