I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize