It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
