I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He has the fingertips of a God
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