tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
