FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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