my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
