bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
