Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
