i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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