chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
