This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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