best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
