Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
