My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
