I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
