Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
