I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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