When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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