I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
