Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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