There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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