Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
