if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
