she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize