Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
