I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
