You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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