We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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