My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
