just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
