I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
