Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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