She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
