just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
