Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize