A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm bleeding and have questions
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
