I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
