Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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