I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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