speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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