five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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