sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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