Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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